The Snake Surprise

“Have I ever told you of the tale of Petunia Winguch? She lived a simple life in a simple village. She was plain of face, and she would tend to… overindulge on biscuits. Young boys who would chase her on her way home an oink at her. She begged her gods of light for help, but received no answer. She then decided to call to the dark powers, to which an evil djinn appeared.

While his fingers groped his overgrown goatee, he offered Petunia a single wish. What to ask… Money? Titles? Escape? It was then that Petunia realized her true heart’s desire. She asked the djinn for a way to make her tormentors regret their cruelty. The djinn’s face curled into a smile. He snapped his fingers and then…. he disappeared in *poof* of smoke.

As the smoke cleared, Petunia was stunned to see herself in her room’s mirror. Her face became fair, her hair soft as silk, her waist held a stylish curve. Most importantly…. her tongue now replaced with the head of a snake.

The next time she went to the market, she was offered fine jewelry, flowers, and fabric. Musicians stopped their songs in awe of her beauty. The same boys who once chased her now offered their hand and protection. One by one, she lured them to a private space. She would seduce them until, overwhelmed with lust, they would kiss the girl. At that moment, her snake of a tongue would bite angrily, disfiguring the boys one by one.

Filled with satisfaction, she returned home. Years passed. Suitors arrived from far lands to ask for her hand. Many of them were kind, innocent men. Her snake became hungrier and hungrier. Each time they would attempt to steal a kiss, the snake would maim in harsher ways. Petunia became desperate for a cure, begging local mages for relief. Eventually, she prayed to the dark powers and the djinn re-appeared.

He laughed wildly at Petunia’s tears. She begged him to not kill her suitors. The djinn smiled, snapped, and poof! However, the djinn still stood in her room. She now had a ring on her finger… and so did the djinn.

For years, Petunia accompanied the djinn as he tortured those who called upon his magic. Most of whom perished in a painful, bloody death. She attempted to warn each victim before they could make a wish, each one succumbing to the temptation of the djinn’s magical wishes. Her eyes became red with constant tears.

Finally, Petunia asked her husband for a final wish. She wished to be free of her marriage. His face approached hers. He looked at her. Square in the eye. Without blinking or breaking eye contact, he snapped his fingers for her final wish. Her clothes fell to the floor and in her place, a large snake with red eyes slithered away."

Erasmus pauses as the crowd sits in unsettled silence. Perceptive party members notice that Erasmus standing on the stairs has subtly pressed the toe of one boot into the heel of another, with the quiet click of an engaged mechanism.

"According to legends, the djinn had one final torture in mind for Petunia. She was cursed to never pass into the next life. To this day, she slithers around the lands, her venom torturing and eventually killing anyone she bites. Her only solace is found by attempting to protect women from cruel, abusive men….”

At that, a snake bursts from Erasmus's feet off the steps, flying directly at Nikolai II and Karl Wachter. The entire audience cries out in terror - none louder than the brothers, one diving under the table and one falling backward over his chair. The screams then turn to laughter, at the joke and the boorish boys, as it becomes clear the snake was a spring loaded sock. The carnival master doubles over in laughter at his joke, and then walks up to the balcony and signs off as he enters his room:

"This has been another unforgettable performance by the Stupendous Erasmus!"